I Am Obviously Not Perfectly Well.

Last night I draped my limbs off the bed and the tips of my fingers came in contact with a small, yellow Post-It underneath the headboard. Fishing it out from among the dust bunnies, I turned on the light and stared at it.

– box of poptarts (weapon)

– someone biting their toenails

– rubber glove full of pudding

– green hamster

– three fried eggs are missing

I swear, on all that is good and holy, that was what was written on it, in my scrawled, trembling script. I looked at it for a few minutes, unsure if I should be bemused or frightened at my own past insanity. I could not recall this seemly innocuous adhesive note. I think Post-Its are superfluous and, as is the case with much of typical office stationary, I am not particularly fond of them. Where had it come from?

A few explanations came readily to mind.

a) I had been involved in a Ponzi scheme with the Soviets the shady-looking, moustache-wearing guy next door, and was subsequently caught and hypnotized by the militia in an attempt to make me reveal the passwords to my various bank accounts. Unfortunately, during the hypnosis my mind was wiped and I was grudgingly set free. The codes on the yellow Post-It are the codes to my accounts.

b) I accidentally stumbled upon Elvis’ Rock N’ Roll colony while on vacation in Florida. Elvis ruled as Supreme Sovereign, on the condition that everyone don 80’s hairdo’s, bell bottoms, refer to their cohorts as “hound dogs”, listen to Bee Gee’s music and dedicate themselves to the undercover progressive rock CDs and crack cocaine black market. The Post-It is proof of my slowly disintegrating (albeit groovy and psychedelic) mind.

c) Alex hit me a bit too hard on the head with his new green lightsaber, causing me to develop retrograde amnesia. My mind is erased every thirty or so minutes, and so I have taken to writing things I consider to be of the utmost importance on Post-Its and stuck them around the house. This particular Post-It is designed to remind me of the possibilities of snack foods as weapons, how pliant people trim their nails, how to properly store pudding, what to paint a hamster if given the opportunity and the fact that I have lost three eggs. OBVIOUSLY QUITE IMPORTANT.

d) I had written this and stuck it down the headboard a few years back, on a whim, for nothing other than my own amusement and to cause complete confusion.

I’m putting my money on the Ponzi scheme.

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